The hour badly spent

Weeks ago, the Collegian’s "You Suck" comic depicted Jesus (yeah, I know this is old; it took my uppers this long to kick in). In panel 2, an old lady asks "What did you really want from humanity?" In panel 2, a swarthy, bearded, long-haired toga-clad Jew replies "That’s easy — all I want is for people to get along. Love ach other and be happy…it’s pretty simple."

Jesus goes on, in panel 3, with "Oh — also, don’t f**k panda bears. I can not stress that enough. Love and happiness, and no panda f**king. That’s all I ever really wanted to get across to people."

Comic portrayals of Jesus are hardly a big deal, and this one is fairly basic and pretty tame, if you ask us. Ask a Christhole, however, and you get a different answer. Ben Balman, a K-State graduate, wrote a letter to the editor.

I am writing in regard to the comic “You Suck” printed in the Collegian on Nov. 13. I was extremely offended by this comic strip when I read the Collegian Thursday morning. I did not find it to be even remotely funny. On the contrary I found it quite obscene.

In fact, I believe it crossed the line to downright blasphemy. Not only did it incorporate vulgar language of the worst kind, which would not be printed in any upstanding newspaper, it defamed Jesus Christ. As someone who proudly professes Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I was outraged, and not only me, but I know for a fact that many of my friends were deeply offended as well.

I can take a joke, but at some point we must draw the line and I believe that this comic crossed that line - blatantly and unashamedly. I am disappointed and offended beyond words. I expect better discretion by the Collegian staff in the future as far as what is printed. There is so much humor that could be printed that would be far less edgy and controversial — why must we resort to material that is crass, crude and inconsiderate of the faith of the majority of Americans? Is this merely to get a reaction like the one I am now writing?

There are both more appropriate outlets for the brand of so-called “humor” exhibited in this latest comic strip, as well as more appropriate alternatives to print in a campus newspaper. Until this comic strip ceases to be so obscene or ceases to be printed, I will now be removing the entire outer fold of any Collegian I pick up, if I choose to read it at all.

Was Balman for real? Even if he did have a point, he undermined it by making himself look stupid. We especially love the part where he disclaims that he “can take a joke,” then goes on to prove that he, in fact, can not take a joke. As far as "vulgar," since Balman failed to specify what, specifically, he took issue with, we’re going to wildly speculate what he means by "obscene." Which do you think ticked him off more: (1) the use of "f**k," which was redacted as shown, or (2) the blatant heresy that Jesus simply wants us all to get along? You decide! Keep in mind that it’s impossible to argue that Christ is in favor of pandafucking (unless it’s between pandas). We prefer to think that Balman’s biggest problem lies in not touching enough of that sweet, sweet "outer fold" he likes so much. "You Suck" agreed, publishing a very special issue:

"REMOVING THE OUTER FOLD! A new catchphrase craze!"

1. An insult: "Seriously! How did you get so stupid? Did someone remove your outer fold when you were a kid?

2. A threat: "If I ever catch you doing that on my bed again, I’m going to remove your outer fold!"

3. A circumcision euphemism: "…And apparently it also smells good. That’s why I’m glad they removed my outer fold."

Yeah, that wingnut’s letter was a comic gold mine; kudos to Nolan Fabricius and Jeff Brown for taking full advantage. They published another one:

Old lady: "Hey…did you guys hear that you’re blasphemous?"

Slacker (to Jesus): "I didn’t know that you gave your followers the right to go around condemning people."

Zing! At this point, I almost started to feel bad for Ben Balman, but in appointing himself some kind of moral beacon, he asked for it. And fundie humor is like a bottle that never runs dry; you can just reach for it over and over again. So, here’s to hoping that "You Suck" never loses its buzz.

[You Suck@K-State Collegian]

It was a chilly night, 28 degrees. The Memory of Water was sold out by the time Smallville & I arrived. Our plans dashed, we ended up going to Auntie Mae’s with the Poetess.

"We’d better smoke all our cigarettes once we get there, while we still can."

The Poetess had just found her long-lost driver’s license and was in a rare celebratory mood.

"You don’t want me to buy the first round?" she offered.

"If you put it that way, I’ll have a screwdriver." They’re cheap here.

"Yuch."

We sat at a booth open right there (it was not as crowded as we’d expected). "How’s your drink?"

"A little weak."

Nevertheless, we were having a good time. We talked and talked and talked. Smallville said later that I kept hijacking the conversation. I’d like to think it was because of the double G&Ts, but it’s more likely that I’m just generally a boisterous fool. I told her and the Poetess, for the 83rd time, about how I used to get awful service at every eatery in Miami; about how it was a while before it occurred to me to not tip people for bad service.

Last call came around. Katie the waitress brought me a Manhattan and my check.

I went up to the bar and got change for a five from Robin, the bartender. She hadn’t served me all night, but I left her a tip just because I like Robin. I got ready to hand the rest of my change off to Katie. Before I could do so, I had the worst "customer service experience" of my life, which I told a friend about over Digsby the next day.

The Hour Badly Spent: i was there with a couple of ppl, and they announced they were closing up
The Hour Badly Spent: i still had a drink, so i started chugging it. this guy comes by and he’s like "get out! get out!" so i chug my drink faster, but it’s a manhattan, so it’s a little hard to down
The Hour Badly Spent: he stopped at our table and said "let’s go! get out!" so i said "i just need 30 sec more to finish this, please"
The Hour Badly Spent: i’ve done that before. i go to that bar a lot
The Hour Badly Spent: and they’re usually like "okay, just hurry up and finish"
The Hour Badly Spent: but this guy said "no. get out"
The Hour Badly Spent: and i said "please, just a few seconds"
The Hour Badly Spent: and he’s like "no, it’s 2 o clock. get out"
The Hour Badly Spent: so i checked my phone. it was 1:49
The Hour Badly Spent: so i said "can you stop being an asshole? i just need a few seconds"
The Hour Badly Spent: and he said "so i’m an asshole? THIS is how much i care about your drink." then he picked up my glass and smashed it on the floor
The Hour Badly Spent: unfortunately, that guy was a bouncer. so he called another bouncer ("Dan," who wouldn’t tell me the name of the guy who slammed my drink on the floor) and they escorted me out.
The Hour Badly Spent: obvs, i shouldn’t have called him an asshole, but i don’t think it justified the display of violence
The Hour Badly Spent: your thoughts?
Magneto: u were in the right.
The Hour Badly Spent: what really sucks is that’s the bar i ALWAYS go to. whenever me or anyone here i know say we’re going to the bars, it’s always that one bar. i’m there at least every week, sometimes twice, and i always just sit w/my friends, drink, and mind my own business

It’s not even that I’m angry; it’s more like did that really just happen? At Mae’s? I went to the speakeasy-type-place to see Jimbo Ivy and sip vodka with other English majors. I ended up swept away in some twatnozzle’s fratboy melodrama. If I wanted this kind of bullshit I could have just gone to Kite’s.

"I didn’t think you were the type to get kicked out of Mae’s," the Poetess said. We were outside. I still had the cash for Katie’s tip in my hand.

[Auntie Mae’s Parlor]