The hour badly spent

The Poetess recently gave voice to the existential horror of attending an informal gathering of English professors: "I’m not smart enough."

Well, yes you are, and that’s really no big deal. English professors are just like the rest of us. Nobody comes to a party to be outsmarted. They just want you to listen to them, get their jokes, seek explanations for what you don’t understand, and squeeze their asses when no one else is looking (Professor Dodd will use colourful pants to indicate her receptivity. But do not try this with the Saucy Aussie. I saw her first!).

Your best strategy is to figure out what everybody thinks of everybody else, which you can use for leverage when you ascend to the top of a multinational crime syndicate. This exercise is all about self-effacement. You are not here to show off your resplendent panoply of grace and charm. And if you have enough grace and charm to impress the English professors then I hate you already.

So don’t name-drop, like I did with Princess Glitter Bunny ("Oh of course I know what you’re talking about. Unlike the other undergrads, I’ve read Derrida! Har har har!") That’s just wankerish. Rather, just ask questions. Find an old man, with a bow tie and bushy eyebrows, who is already drunk. He is the best place to start. He is a font of experience, good humor, and as a bonus, he is actually kind of awesome. Ask about what he’s written, what he likes to read — Milton, apparently — where he’s travelled, etc. Let him do the work. He’s just itching to unload some jovial backstabbey nugget about one of his peers. Just wait. I promise it will be funny. You should also probably try to make yourself as drunk as he is.

Do not sit next to Rhymes With Flan. You did not dress well enough for that, and this fact will gnaw at you every second you are there. She is tall, slender, blonde, stylish, and her diction is flawless. If she were your age, she’d be a wholesome sorority frenemy. You, by contrast, mumble and stutter (which is partly why you’re listening and not talking); your sartorial contribution is a wrinkled green docent shirt your ex gave you seven years ago. You wore it today because you really don’t have a windbreaker, but next to Rhymes With Flan, you look like you’re homeless.

Eventually, something underminerey like this will happen:

The Hour Badly Spent:  Do you mind if I smoke?
Rhymes With Flan:       Oh. Please, don’t. Ew [shudders].
The Hour Badly Spent:  Oh, okay.
Rhymes With Flan:       Yech.

If you closed your eyes, drifted away for a second, and paid attention not to what you actually heard but rather what you thought you heard, you’ll realize that the terminal "yech" was not directed at your cancer stick. It was directed at you.

 

You’ll see the Perverted Shakespeare Professor. In class, he’s so upbeat, almost cheerleaderey; this evening, long after class, he might seem somehow jaded and weary. We suspect the production of ‘Tis Pitty Shee’s A Whore must have been stressful, what with all the preparations being made during those weeks after spring break where everybody goes through a ceaseless gauntlet of exams and term papers and projects. That is why the cast only met for their first full rehearsal a day before curtain time.

I don’t know shit about Jacobean drama. Or any type of drama, for that matter. But I’ll talk about it anyway. The performance — Saturday night, wish you were there! — was fun and celebratory, and slightly campy; just like the Professor conducts his classes, except with slightly more incest. My favorite actor was the Roman soldier: his uniform was a polo shirt with some pinned-on medals.

You might hear about studentfucking. Kind of interesting, but it’s really to be expected, and it’s only juicy if you actually know either of the parties involved, which you don’t, because you don’t know anybody, which is why you’re drinking with English professors on Thursday night and the following Friday afternoon. So put the hearsay out of your mind, because (A) you don’t want to get anyone fired, and (B) you’re not an earnest do-goodey cockblocker. Also: don’t shout out "studentfucker!" in the middle of a lecture (Sorry about that! It was noisy! How was I supposed to know the dean would hear me?).

You might also hear of dumb stuff the students have said — about ethnic minorities and such. It won’t be so bad. All the real wingnuts either go into engineering or polisci. Don’t worry about who, exactly, said what; there’s a good chance you’ll find out soon enough who this person is, based on your ability to stereotype better than she can (a gender neutral pronoun would be really nice right about now!). She will get a column in the Collegian. She will bring guns to class. She will run for student government. She will meet a soldier who will love her for her "values," and they will marry young and have lots of little douchebags, who will attend K-State.

You, however, will not find love. You will find rum, which is just a different kind of love.

Speaking of which, in time, the Most Annoying English-Major Couple will make an appearance. They really are cute together. They will sit next to each other, of course; bemusedly chatting about their plans for the future. They will lightly stroke each others’ arms, but not excessively; they will smile at each others’ literary puns, but not excessively; and one of them will drink. Excessively. And that is the real secret to shmoozing with people who have more intelligence, class, and wit than you.

Thursday night the Perverted Shakespeare Professor jokingly claimed to "personify radical chic." Suspecting a ring of truth in this, The Hour Badly Spent immediately launched an investigation, and in the process, found out why I never scored a date with any of the hotties in that class: everyone wants to have sex with him.

This irrepressible sexual attraction cuts across all boundaries. It makes no difference whether the student is male, female, gay, straight, promiscuous, or celibate. Yeah, even the virgins.

Later on, the Saucy Aussie and Princess Glitter Bunny turned the tabloidy tables on me.  The Hour Badly Spent is not used to being asked direct personal questions. So, when grilled about who, exactly, I supposedly wanted to snog that night up on the hill, I suddenly got all shy and evasive. I didn’t really want to keep anyone in suspense. It was Saucy Aussie. Umm, duh.

Forgive me: I was afraid saying it would bring the drunken revelry to an awkward halt, and then I’d have no one to sit next to duing Tis Pity She’s a Whore. PRIORITIES!! Additionally, where my friend — Atomic Fireball Candy — is going for her doctorate, there are explicit rules against such fraternization. Hey! Don’t ruin this for me with news like that, I begged her, but it was too late. Also, someone recently told me that I "come on too strong." That’s putting it mildly. Between trying to crank out witty sex-related banter and playing like I am not in fact that interested, I probably come off looking half-insane.

Didn’t mean to get all livejournaley there. Anyway, so, I also tried to find out which professor’s raging sex drive has done the most damage to the integrity of the English department. Apropos of nothing, we discovered that East Midlands men have a reputation for being bad in bed. If this is so, how is it that they apparently manage to bone enough lit students to even acquire a reputation? Clearly I’ve been going about this all wrong. My old shtick was to find someone I really like, impress her with my ribald wit, and later on go down on her gently and lovingly for long periods of time. From now on, I will just work on timing my ejaculations to coincide with the ends of Ballykissangel commercial breaks.

Over Xmas break I worked for this lady — a professional screenwriter — doing odd errands for her and getting no pay in return, a relationship known as an "internship." I thought it might be nice to get the experience of being around an experienced writer blah blah blah, but the more she talked — and she loved to namedrop — the more I realized she was a self-centered drama queen. This weekend I got a Facebook message from her. Things like this make me avoid Facebook.

1. I took A DAY (OMG!) to respond because (A) I had shit to do, and (B) I didn’t feel like resolving a 40-ish-year-old woman’s ‘crisis.’ Since she’s messaging me on Facebook, she must have seen my status update: "I just don’t give a shit." I really don’t.
2. "Negro?" I know we’re both black and therefore we have that unspoken camaraderie that enables us a certain familiarity. Nonetheless, not even my own mother talks to me that way, and you don’t know me like that.

 

The reason I addressed her like that is because when a boss is acting like a childish wanker (did I use it right that time?), said boss should have his or her twittery vomited back with a clear explanation as to why it’s coming. As a bonus, I like to throw in a middle finger.

And I wasn’t kidding about the apartment thing. She called me one Sunday afternoon, from Los Angeles, while I’m in Manhattan Kansas — which she knew — and told me she wanted me to find her an apartment by Monday morning. The reason? She had a psycho roommate (her 2nd or 3rd this year — I don’t bother keeping track) and COULDN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE and somehow this was suddenly my problem too.

Part of being a grown-up is learning how to negotiate with the people around you, instead of throwing a shitfit when someone takes a sip of your orange juice or smokes your weed. Right?

See? We’re getting her GOOD SIDE here. Don’t you feel lucky? In her defense, she really did endure a severe personal tragedy last year. Which had absolutely nothing to do with me.

 

It’s tangential, but this conversation reminds me of an episode of Blind Date I saw years ago. A guy from New York was on with a girl from a small Texas town. The texan was superhot, not a ditz, and she seemed to be putting some effort into the outing. The New York asshat wasn’t having any of it. The whole time, he was all "It’s just that you’re from this small town, where everyone’s so narrow-minded. I’m from New York, where there’s so much going on, so many people from so many different cultures, and it’s really broadened my horizons. Blah blah blah blah, New York is soooo great but your podunk town sucks, ipso facto, you suck and always will." The irony was not lost on the Texan, who kept going "Well, what do you mean? How can I make this date better?"

Of course he couldn’t say what he meant, so I will. "Broadening horizons" doesn’t actually give you a deeper understanding of other people; it just makes you more condescending toward them. In New York, you don’t mix with other cultures. You mix with New York culture. So here’s the question: what is it, exactly, about the Big Apple, that brings out the douchiest in people? That is, of course, rhetorical; I don’t give a shit.

In my crackpot bid to merge my soul with the id of the English department, I started documenting the heroic exploits of the department’s all-stars in a faux tabloidish style on this blog. To my surprise, my wildly inaccurate portrayals of their wit, as well as the gratuitous vagina jokes, have been found and re-googled by some of their subjects (Here’s the drum: whenever you visit The Hour Badly Spent, my site metrics page shows me what search terms you used to find me).

The Saucy Aussie insists - in a funny accent, of course - that I’m upping her street cred, because in truth she is extremely prim and proper, not "tart as a nipple-shaped jawbreaker," as I may have suggested in various bathroom-stall etchings throughout town. Nevertheless, I can’t help but imagine that these hyper-literate googlers get together and peek at the screen over each others’ shoulders and do to my blog exactly what I do to the Collegian - scoff with derisive indignation (No fair! You guys know I can dish it out but I can’t take it), except the bonza English professors probably do it better than me because they use words like trope and metatextual, and I’m deadcert Anne Longmuir likes to make obnoxious literary puns and everyone else has to awkwardly play along like they get the reference.

Anyway, just saying, if you’re going to squiz me regularly, it might be prudent to bookmark The Hour Badly Spent or add it to your RSS reader. That way I won’t see the Google searches on my site metrics page and won’t know it’s you. If, however, you would like for me to know for sure that you’ve been by, feel free to comment the living shit out of this beehotch. Ideally, your responses would consist of:

• backhanded remarks about my personal hygiene.
• wild exaggerations of my sexual prowess.
• well-deserved umbrage whenever I post something stridently offensive or wrong or unfunny or off-limits or just plain too prolix. Fair dinkum?
• witty and pretentious English-majorey jokes as they relate to the post at hand. Because I, too, would like to dust off my L’écriture et la Différence and undo the chain of logocentric binary oppositions that characterize Western thought, but I can’t do it alone. It’s really hard.

It’s not like you have papers to grade or anything.

 

Yesterday Anthony Doerr visited K-State and read a short story from his latest book, The Shell Collector. That reading was the best K-State’s had this year. Afterward, the English department got together at Rock-A Belly’s. I was midway through my second G&T when the Saucy Aussie made some idle comment that ended with "vagina." I remember precisely what she sad: "Crikey! Kangaroo Kylie Minogue sheila dingo boomerang bushwhacked VAGINA!" The table went silent for a second, and Saucy Aussie seemed embarrassed, probably because she thought she had crossed some comfort line.

Well, that’s not why we were quiet. The word "vagina" is actually a great source of comfort. Hearing it is like having a cool breeze roll across you on a summer day. No; we went silent because each of us had hoped to be the first to say "vagina" that evening, and when she beat us to the (kitty) punch, no one was ready with another clever vaginal follow-up. Personally, her awesomeness made me feel like a slow-witted prude.

I lamely tried to break the silence. "Thanks! I’ve been waiting for someone to say ‘vagina’ all day," I ejaculated. But ‘vagina’ doesn’t roll off my tongue as nicely as it does from hers. OR DOES IT?

After dinner, Rhymes With Visa drove a few of us - Imad, Tony Doerr, Saucy Aussie - to the top of the hill that overlooks the city. We had to get out and hike a little ways to reach the summit, from which we had a beautiful view of Best Buy. Then Rhymes With Visa drove us back to town. Not til much later did I realize how pathetically funny the whole scene actually was: we were basically all guided up to the top of Makeout friggin’ Mountain, and yet it never occurred to anybody to cop a feel. Lame.

Vagina! There; our reputations are safe.

 

Don’t you ever wish people would stop making such a big fucking deal over the word ‘nigger?’ Two of K-State’s "best and brightest" journalism students (take that, Whitney Hodgin!) interviewed Boondocks creator Aaron McGruder in front of a crowd of captive hearts in Forum Hall. So Deborah Muhwezi asked him what was up with his characters’ frequent use of the n-word.

"I’d rather people say ‘nigga’ than say ‘n-word’ because n-word is stupid. It’s fundamentally immature, like saying ‘dookie’ among first-graders; like we are running from a truth we all know is there."

"I certainly understand the sensitivity and power behind it," he continued. But it’s vapid and pointless to huff and puff all your outrage on that. "There are lots of people whose job it is to keep the conversation of race at the level of ‘we shouldn’t use the n-word on TV’," he said, which keeps us from finding any real resolutions to real social problems.

Yeah, so politics is kind of a downer, and McGruder is in the funny business. How does he make it work?

"If you set out to tear down stereotypes, well then that’s positive, and we definitely try not to be that. We have to find a way to make it funny."

In his comedy, McGruder spins a version of what black people seem to talk like behind closed doors when they’re really fucking drunk (like me) and high (not like me, but I’m working on that). The nature of comedy and storytelling is such that positive portrayals are inherently boring; showing us the parts of ourselves that are dirty and embarrassing gives his work a special kind of truthful bite. Servicey!

"We don’t find the stuff very controversial. In other words, we’re not very sensitive people."

Also, without a line between entertainment and news, those two mated and gave birth to a voracious infantile media machine that’s set up to gobble up ratings out of whatever shlock it can find but then use our collective brains as its diaper. So fuck Fox News. And CNN and MSNBC and the whole pundit industry in all its incarnations. But mostly Fox. And BET too. And if Whitney Hodgins’ article ever goes live on the Collegian web site I’ll make sure to link you, ya know, whenever I get around to it. In the meantime I’m doing homework and NOT prowling for Boondocks episodes on teh YooToobz. Probably.

 

Naturalist poet Pattiann Rogers visited K-State Friday as part of the Science & Philosophy Symposium.

Her poetry was interesting enough. Elizabeth Dodd likened it to Walk Whitman, and rightfully so. Each sentence had that feeling of celebration, each verse a menu of things neither good or bad, but like in heaven, only delightful.

I just couldn’t connect with it.

It was all about cosmology; the universe; the geometry of comets drifting and stars colliding. It was all just so big. Are big things inherently scary (yes - they invoke my castration complex)? On that scale, is anything human even relevant? Even when she linked her images to human experience, it felt like an afterthought, as though the distance between human beings is miniscule compared to the distance between galaxies. She did talk about things on earth that brought her awe; beautiful dew-laden forests, sweeping vistas of prarie by sunset, wondrous varieties of local birds, etc. I think country people can groove to that stuff, but I have no link to it except for textbooks, photographs, and the occasional gazing at, years ago through telescopes, of cool shit in the sky, which is exciting but not nearly as much so as making that impossibly painful journey to the heart of another person [ed. note: WTF am I talking about?].

I was waiting for the poet to say something mischievous and dirty. I like my old ladies saucy, see? But, as Rogers said, much of the difficulty here is that there is "something in the language we are locked out of." The vocabulary of outer-space phenomena is limited, clean, removed, and academic; to talk about it requires that you "come at it slant." But with so much dark matter, the targets are small, even at an angle. So easy to miss.  

For the astronomer, the distances are magnificent. In the empty spaces lie truth and beauty; "we can go on having fun forever," as one philosopher put it. But modern poets stare at that same space and fill it up with fear and longing. For the poet, science is….whatever we want it to be.

 

English Department Head Elizabeth Dodd hosted a soiree after memoirist Allison Wallace’s Friday reading. "You’re all invited!" she told the entire population of Stuni’s Little Hall that afternoon.

This was it! My entire time here I’d been sweating for a chance to hobnob with grown-up English nerds, perhaps even put names to the faces I keep running into at the English majorey events just like this one. At last, the Bard answered my prayers.

Dodd lives in a tasteful house a westward hike away from campus. The get-together was everything I’d hoped for! There were little sandwiches! There was chocolate cake! There was Tanya Gonzalez! There was Jen Roberts! There was Anne Longmuir! There was Imad Rahman! There was Donna Potts (I haven’t finished the reading for her class! Don’t tell her)! There was Chris Kennedy (I was especially pleased about this because he was the only other person wearing a T-shirt)! There were avuncular gentlemen in red bow ties! There was booze! It was Elizabeth Dodd’s booze! I drank Elizabeth Dodd’s booze!

The professors were lively and full of good humor and wit. Why doesn’t it rub off on the undergrads? With that puzzle in mind, I stepped outside for a cigarette with Erica Hateley, who had an important question for me.

Do you find this entire town really, really racist?

Yeah.

I was afraid I was the only one who saw Kansas that way.

Nah. It’s weird how they all think they’re not, too. I come from a big city and even when you find someone who’s full of prejudice, it just doesn’t have the kind of legitimacy it carries in a small town. I spent most of last semester really pissed about it, but I eventually met some other minorities here. Someone took me aside and reminded me that I’m in fucking Kansas.

On a search for a wine glass — umm, and a bottle — I found myself shoulder-to-shoulder with guest of honor herself, Memoriste Allison Wallace, who offered servicey advice for interacting with my undergraduate peers:

You can talk to a sophomore, but you can’t say much.

I’m gonna run home and write that down.

Don’t quote me! I didn’t say that.

Oh, actually I was going to take credit for it anyway.

I see! You’ve got a great writing career ahead of you.

Yeah, speaking of that: James Frey? JT Leroy? Margaret Seltzer? Is this really a new thing, or is it possible that people have been fudging memoirs for as long as we’ve been writing them?

Nowadays we talk about people writing a memoir. It used to be that people wrote their memoirs. A hundred years ago it meant that, near the end of your life, you’d sit down and do it, and there was a sort of gallantry about it. Today you can look for one on, say, Britney Spears or someone like that. It’s not about your life; it’s just a slice of your life. This is a new thing. The conventions for it are only recently being written. And so the people running out and sensationalizing these fake stories are breaking this brand new etiquette that they created.

There you have it. Lesson: Mrs. Dodd’s nose gets really really red in the presence of other authors. Also: spend time with convivial, intelligent grown-ups and you’ll actually learn something new. Parties are the new required reading!

 

Memoirist Allison Wallace visited K-State and read from her book, "A Keeper of Bees," in which she chronicled the flowering and withering of her marriage against the backdrop of learning how to sustain a bee colony.

Observing and cultivating bees gave Wallace time to reflect on the value of work and the impermanence of achievement. "There is no such thing as work that stays done," she said, having gone through nearly a dozen colonies over the course of her marriage.

She lost some to swarms; she accidentally starved one colony, but she kept learning and kept at it, and remained a hobbyist even after the process of her divorce.

Not wanting to end on a down note, she read us a passage on honeybee sex. "It’ll only take a minute," she promised.

A horny queen bee finds a cluster in the sky where male worker bees hang out; she flies right by them and then they speed up to catch her. The first lucky stud to reach her and tap that ass is "catapulted into a backflip by the force of his own ejaculation." With his endophallus and lower abdomen ripped off, he plummets to the ground, mortally wounded. How is this any different from the way humans do it jokes ensued. Okay, I guess she ended on a down note anyway. Then she fielded some questions:

"What have the bees taught you about creating sustainable communities of people?"
"Oh dear. I don’t know a thing about that." Next?

"Is it safe to say that if honeybees didn’t exist, we wouldn’t exist?" - some fratboy in the back.
The Memoriste paused for a moment, so I decided to let Obi-Wan answer this one. Yes, Mr. Fratkid. Honeybees are the damn Force. They surround us and penetrate us. They bind the Galaxy together.

Dunya Mikhail, an Iraqi-born poet who sought asylum in the United States after being threatened in 1996 by the Iraqi regime, gave a poetry reading at Hale Library this afternoon.

She read an hour’s worth of poems, all about war and love in Iraq, to the packed Hemisphere room; about 150 people or so - mostly professors, grad students, and womens’ studies majors (which explains why I never see any undergrads I know at these English majorey events).

Mikhail said that when she was younger, her poetry was laden with metaphors, multiple meanings, multifaceted imagery; since she came to the U.S. and started writing in English, her prose has become more direct. I found her poems to be clean, beautiful narratives, offering slices of life and imagery that connect people.

Coffee cups. Emails. Keys. Harps. Bones. grass. And so on. "We need a second life, for love only," she said.

Near the end of her reading, she let us in on a personal link to her themes (you know, in addition to having grown up and lived there during several wars or whatever).

Long ago in Iraq, she had a fiance. He became a soldier; she moved out of Baghdad, then later back to Baghdad to be a reporter, then in 1995 she left the country and went to Jordan. In 1996 she emigrated to the U.S.

Before the soldier vanished into unknown parts of the world, he had been sending letters, but Iraq’s mail system wasn’t really set up to get mail to Mikhail in case she relocated. So all the letters vanished somewhere, behind wood, or dust, or whatever it is that eventually swallows up all lost secrets written down.

All but one. After ten years, it wound up in the hands of a friend at the Baghdad Observer, who forwarded it to Mikhail, in Michigan. It was from Australia. It was from the soldier.

Today, Penelope and Odysseus are married.

Don’t look at me like that.

I know what you’re thinking: "Finally! A real post! None of that "collegianism" wank we’ve been choking down since you got back from L.A. three days ago!" It’s taken that long for my spring break afterglow — more commonly known as "jetlag" — to subside. How long is that shit supposed to last, anyway? To be honest, though, I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in a while. Saturday I packed. Sunday I flew back to the Isle of Joy and promptly emailed the redheaded cutie I met weeks ago.

Geek girl,
How the hell are ya? Have a relaxing, uneventful spring break? Or did you go wild in Cancun and get caught on video? You don’t have to answer that. Wanna get together again one of these days? Soon? :-)

-Cheeky & Geeky

Then I promptly went over Madeline’s for no good reason, where we self-destructively watched Romeo & Juliet into the wee hours of the morning.

Monday I stayed up til four doing the homework I should have finished some time last week. Tuesday I went to a Writers’ Circle meeting - kind of an informal workshop for English majors - led by Jimbo and attended by Madeline, two guys I didn’t recognize, and one dude who read some wonderful, if depressing pieces at Poetry on Poyntz a month ago.

I passed around some of my doggerel, which I wrote by lighting up a cigarette at three in the morning, remembering a pretty girl, making up the prettiest run-on sentences I could think of about her, then inserting line breaks wherever the spirit moved me to do so. Jimbo said it felt like slam poetry (confession: never been to a poetry slam, have no idea what it is, will forget to google it by the time I finish this post), and they all seemed to like my submissions. Twenty minutes of relief from the inferiority complex!

Madeline read her work as well, but much too quickly. Sitting next to her, I noticed she paced herself by wagging her legs as fast as butterfly wings. She did her poems a supreme injustice; I think everything she writes is graceful and beautiful and brilliant, really; but it’s all paratactical, full of fragments. It’s like she’s describing a dismantled stained-glass window. A listener would need a moment to reflect, to thread each fragment in with the others, or else it’s impossible to make the whole image cohere.

"I can’t read poems out loud," she told me afterwards, over one of my Parliaments. I’m the same way. I learned from public speaking last semester that I should never speak in public again.

"Yeah, you were nervous."

She said she’d rather type up her material beforehand, send it to the other members, and have them critique it without having to read it.

"Absolutely not. If I’ve got to read, so do you." Justice for all, I say.

Today I am so tired that the room’s spinning weirdly (I haven’t drank since I was bumped up to first class on my flight Sunday). It’s kind of cool and kind of scary at the same time, because it could be a breezy altered state of mind, or it could be the beginnings of a brain tumor. Meh.

It took a few days, but the redheaded cutie finally wrote back:

Don’t worry; no one will be seeing lewd videos of me on the internet anytime soon. ^_^ [Editor’s note: Foiled again!]

Spring Break was awesome, although it was followed immediately by a wicked stomach flu. (Sorry I missed your call the other night; was busy vomiting.) This week, I need to chill out, and it looks like I have some stuff going on this weekend (game-intensive, I do tabletop every other weekend) but we should totally chill out sometime next week/weekend. I got the new remastered Blade Runner–have you seen it? It’s fucking phenomenal.
Hope you had fun on the homefront. We’ll chat at ya later!

- Redheaded cutie

What’s suspicious is that this exact thing happened years ago when I went to Mexico: a week of good times punctuated by Montezuma’s Revenge. Maybe my diarrhea has spent ten years migrating eastward from California and is finally proliferating throughout the Great Plains (Take that, red states!). What’s also suspicious is that when you translate "we should totally chill out sometime next weekend" from cutie to nerd it comes out as "I’m just not that into you."

Seriously, why is it impossible, when I ask, to get this response: "Sure, let’s hang. How’s tonight?" My theory: I don’t bathe often enough and smell like loser. "We know your kind," they are thinking. "You are socially inept!" Hence the lucrative offers: tepid promises of future phone calls that are never made, and vague references to getting together that never materialize! Well, with no girls to distract me (pornstars don’t count), now I can really focus on studying.

Poet Bryan Pemberly gave a reading Friday afternoon in Stuni.

Dorky English Majors that we are, Cherry and I pulled out our black journals as soon as it began.

“Copycat!”

“Mine’s bigger. And thicker.”

“Mine is better quality.”

Sitting in front of me, the Kansas Poet Laureate chuckled.

“Wait!” I backpedaled. “It’s not what it sounds like.”

Determined to meet other, better English majors and silently judge them, Friday night I hiked to downtown Manhattan for a poetry reading at the Streckler-Nelson Art Gallery.

 

What’s more sad: that this kewgr leers down at me on my way up the stairs to the gallery, or the fact that I kind of wanted her? Just kidding! These are both cause to celebrate! I’d never been here before so I gave myself a quick tour. It seemed to be about the size of 10 dorm rooms, all full of paintings and pottery and plants. I would have taken better notes but I was too busy prowling for grad students to hit on. After a minute of this I remembered I don’t know anybody and made my way to the room full of chairs. I sat two seats down from a Pretentious Literary Douchebag who had his nose in Penguin Classics’ Medieval Literature. Jonathan Holden, a poetry professor with furious, leonine eyebrows sat in front of me with his wife. Apropos of nothing, I like to secretly sit behind my professors and snap photos of the back of their heads whenever I see them at some function.

See, I snapped this one of Donald Hedrick - perverted Shakespeare professor - last week at the violin concert:

 

Meanwhile, the grad students around me made small talk:

"Aren’t we having fun?"
"Fun fun fun!"
"By the way, I put arsenic in your club soda!"
"Great! That way I won’t have to see your douchebag face anymore!"
"Super!"
"Grand!"

Once we got started, the rule was that anybody with poetry of some sort should just walk on up to the podium and show off. Lisa, the first reader, was boring. The guy after her, Joe, wore a button-down shirt two sizes too small, and no matter what he did, he was showing off his triceps. He had taken a passage James Joyce had written about snot and copied it onto a roll of toilet paper. After him, a hipster cutie presented her "Studies in Prepositions," poems consisting of the same preposition repeated musically for entire stanzas. "It does neat stuff in your head," she explained, which I took to mean when she’s done I won’t know whether to hate her for thumbing her nose at conventions I continually fail to get the hang of, or to love her for her playful, impish mastery of the quirks of language. I put this dilemma to rest the instant I realized that this chick was probably kinky enough that if I could give her a really clever pickup line, she might tie me up and ride me so hard I couldn’t stand up straight for three days. In that context, her poems were pretty rad. Her last one was somewhat more traditional. "This is where we move past morphology into syntax," she said. Hot!

Next: until now, all the poets had the common decency to read TWO or THREE of their favorites and then sit back down (Joe: "I’m gonna share a couple of these and then stop ruining your life"), but this particular reader, Nelson, had written a bunch of Really Deep poems about birds and the night and vegetables and breasts, earnestly challenging us to ponder things like The Night and Love and Curiosity and Truth and Beauty and Birds and the size of his thesaurus and, well, Breasts. He must have used the word "breast" every stanza and the thing is, well, the thing is I have NEVER IN MY LIFE WANTED ANYBODY TO STOP SAYING THE WORD BREAST LIKE I WANTED HIM TO STOP FUCKING SAYING THE WORD BREAST but he just went on and on (like this sentence), with these awful mosaics, so many of them, their roman numerals crashing against my BREAST like kamikaze pilots, a sickening montage of VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI…… until finally he was done.

It is my secret wish to become the school’s Pretentious Literary Douchebag. But the guy sitting two seats across from me, his nose in Penguin Classics’ Medieval Literature, had me completely outclassed. He was a slender man, with a strong chin, gold-rimmed glasses, hair like a field of sun-kissed Kansas wheat, eyes as blue as swimming pools and flowing with erudition; he wore an oxford and a blazer that had a gold star pinned to the collar, as though he had just stepped out of Dead Poets’ Society and materialized in this very room, Streckler-Nelson Gallery in Manhattan, at 7pm this Friday night in February. He got up and introduced himself.

"Those of you who know me know I’m rather fond of medieval literature," he smirked, leading me to reflect wistfully on James Joyce’s snot. While he read, I got up to get some wine.

The lady after him was excellent; she recited from memory a poem about having an orgasm (or was she really just having an orgasm right before our very eyes?). Climax notwithstanding, she used a lot of muted synechdoche and really managed to craft a good poem. Some other people recited some other stuff after her, but I wasn’t paying attention because an orgasm is kind of a tough act to follow. Then the thing was over! I probably should have stuck around to meet people, but true to form, I had a better party to go to, so I bounced. But not before snapping a pic of Lit MILF Elizabeth Dodd:

 

Hot pants, Liz! I mean, Ms. Dodd. Ahem.